I didn’t see much in him.
If I saw him in a crowd,
I would not notice.
If I saw him on an Instagram post,
I would scroll past it.
If he was one of the stars in the sky,
He would be the least bright.
But he shined so bright when he smiled.
But what’s ironic is that I have
Those same round cheeks,
Those same squinty eyes,
Those same bushy eyebrows,
And that same messy hair.
So if we were stars in the sky,
He would always outshine me.
And I hold these
Video tapes
And pictures of him
That were never taken.
They hold memories
That were never made,
And moments that never happened,
With him.
Falling asleep to a movie in the living room
Play fighting on the couch
Awkward flirting in the dining room
Deep, late-night conversations in the bedroom
Running into a long, warm hug after school
Showing him my drawings of him in the patio
All of this while avoiding parents from barging in on us.
And these curated memories
They float inside my mind and crash together
Into what replicates the waves of the seas
That endlessly crash in the shoreline of my mind
Especially next to the car window.
These waves of emotion get scrawled
Onto every sheet of paper,
Every blank canvas,
And every flat surface,
That I can get my hands on.
Chemistry notebook,
Math worksheets,
Binder paper,
And sketchbooks.
Trying endlessly and unconsciously,
To replicate those same squinty eyes,
Those same cheeks,
That same beard,
And that same smile.
And every time I draw him right,
These waves grow larger
And crash harder against the shoreline.
And sometimes I wonder
If he has these same waves.
Even so, I expect what he thinks of me
Is a meek little pond on a rainy day.
Nothing special. Nothing dramatic.
Just sitting lonely on a gloomy day.
But I still hold onto
Those video tapes and pictures,
Waiting to show you them in person.
In my hand.
Or on a phone screen.
But he’s just another person in the crowd
Another post on Instagram
Another dim star in the sky.
It should be time to scrap those photos in the fire,
Or delete them from my gallery.
Or maybe start saying more than “Hi.”
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