Blue Like Summer, Green Like Me

     Summer hazes and long days at the beach, salty air and melted ice cream, and a glass shard that shattered the wall I had carefully built for myself.

      I remembered the last day we went to the beach together, eating ice cream and skipping stones. Eliza was standing by the ocean, the sunset illuminating her nymph face. Her wispy hair was waving in the wind, like a flag of surrender. There was a sense of impending doom, as if the world was about to end right now. The tides swished back and forth, tugging at Eliza’s feet.

 “I love how the tides just wash back and forth,” she said. “It’s like I’m being washed away.”

      “It’s getting cold. We should start getting ready to go home,” was all I said. She turned to look at me, a forlorn expression on her face, as if she didn’t want to leave. Her oceanic eyes were always changing. That day, they were like the trenches of the ocean, holding an unspeakable beauty, yet so unknown to me.

 So far away from my grasp.

      Eliza was an enchantress of beauty. Everywhere she glided, she casted a spell, putting everybody in a trance. She had the aura of a nymph, and enthralled everyone she met with an alluring beauty. She herself was sea glass, dazzling in millions of colors, yet fragile to the touch. Her eyes bore every shade of blue, but strangely enough, they were a mirror too; your reflection shone so clear when you looked into her eyes. Looking at Eliza felt like looking at the sea, longing for something so far, so grand, and so mystical.

     I don’t really remember how I became friends with Eliza. That memory has long been swept by the tides. I know it was during summer though. I remember seeing her slender reflection shine in the water, while mine was muddied. I remember how her swimsuit perfectly fit her body, while mine looked like it was hanging on for its dear life. I remember how sweet her smile was, and the dulcet intonation in her voice when she talked to me, while my mouth could barely turn up when I looked at her.

     I can’t say I hated the moments I spent with Eliza, but I didn’t love the minutes I spent agonizing over her angelic beauty, and the way she moved like ripples in the water; I can’t stand to remember the days I wondered why she wasn’t me. And I especially hated how her sea glass eyes always bored into my soul.

      Perhaps that was why I wanted to run away from her.

     And yet, despite the gut-wrenching ache I felt when I was with Eliza, there was something so captivating and endearing about her that made me want to spend all my time with her. I couldn’t stop looking at her and couldn't pull myself away.

      I took those young summer days with her for granted.

      “I’m sorry for always asking we go to the beach whenever we spend time together,” Eliza smiles sadly.

      “It’s no problem,” I say, because I don’t mind. There is something intriguing about the ocean; it has a similar allure to Eliza. “Why do you like the ocean so much, though?” She turns to the ocean as if searching through her mind for a good answer. Then, turning to me, her clear eyes now dazed and foggy, says:

      “There’s just something so…mesmerizing about it, no? Like…you want to be a part of it.” I turn my gaze towards Eliza’s vast ocean. The jealous fog only slightly covers the ocean’s horizon as the glowing sun delicately reflects over the crystal blue water. I turn back to Eliza.

      An alluring blue washes over her, casting a radiant light on her face. Shades of blues twirl in her eyes, a whirlpool of mysterious beauty.

      As if I were in a trance, I respond: “I know what you mean.”

      After that, we would spend entire summers just at the shore, sand stuck under our toenails, hair soaked, cheeks rosy and sunburnt, the sunset illuminating our faces. Eating ice cream, chatting and laughing like we were best friends who knew each other for a long time, if at all.

      Those summers blurred by me. I thought that we would bask in those youthful summer days forever. How awfully, awfully naive of me. Green was a powerful color. Like the blue that colored Eliza, I was colored in green.

      That summer, I stopped coming to the beach.

      That summer was the most distinct, for it was colored a blazing, venomous, green.

      “Dani, where were you all summer?” Eliza asks.

      “I…I had to visit family,” I lie. Because how could I break such a delicate, angelic heart? She stares at me with those blue, sea glass eyes; they were glassy with saltwater tears. Did she know? Somehow, she always knew. She would perk up her face and a dazzling aquamarine would dance by; she could ask me any question, and I would confess; I always confessed. But today I only stare back with my venom green eyes.

      In those coming weeks, I could hardly look at Eliza. My heart stung as if it were a wound washed in salt. I didn’t know why it hurt to see Eliza’s pristine face, glass-like and on the verge of breaking now.

      I wanted to touch that face and stroke it. I wanted to patch it and kiss it, tell her that it would be okay, and that I would be by her side again. I wanted to give her the same radiant smile she gave me. But I couldn’t bear to hear her voice ask “Dani, why are you frowning?” with her siren voice.

      So I let her slip by, I let all her calls go to voicemail, I turned away when her ocean abyss eyes looked my way.

      And one day, in the quiet of the night, with only a dim light of a waning moon, Eliza was gone.

      I never saw her again. She evaporated; one day she was here, and the next, she had dissipated. I still don’t know what really happened to her, but I suspected she was where her heart had lied all along during those summer days.

      On the day I heard of her disappearance, I don’t know what possessed my body, but I ran all the way to the beach, nearly plunging into that cursed ocean.

      How could something so wonderfully mesmerizing be what pulled Eliza away? And how could I just let it happen?

      Tears pooled in my eyes as I remembered that day now. That day right before I ditched our summers.

      Eliza stands at the ocean, the sunset illuminating her angel face. Her hair waves in the wind, like a flag of surrender.

      “Would you want to jump in here, Dani?” she asks. “I think it would be nice to disappear, sometimes. Don’t you?” Something snaps inside of me when she says that.

      “Disappear?” I scoff. “Of course I want to disappear! But how could you possibly know what it’s like? You’re beautiful, and everyone likes you. Everything is given to you. You’re literally an angel, and you want to disappear?” My mouth runs before I can think about it. Everything that has been bottled up inside me explodes at this moment.

      Eliza only stares into the sea.

     “We should talk to each other about these sorts of things more, Dani,” she says delicately. So genuinely, with only sadness. No resentment, no anger. My name dances on her tongue.

      “Stop calling me Dani,” I snap. She only solemnly stared into the depths of me.

      “Why aren’t you angry, Eliza?” I yell. She doesn’t respond, but I catch a hint of cyan gleam in her eyes. “You’re so goddamn perfect and think you’re better than anyone else!”

      “Dani…” I run away, because I can’t bear the gaze of someone who knows me to my own deepest, darkest trenches.

      “Eliza…” I cried softly. “Ellie!” The name stumbled on my tongue. How long has it been since I said that name?

      I looked towards the sea. The saltwater that splashed my toes stang with regret. Bitter, bitter regrets. There were so many things I wished I could've told her. I wish I could’ve apologized to her. I wish I could’ve gotten to know her better.

      But I’ll never get to do that.

      Staring out at the sea, I finally understood what Eliza loved about the sea.

      The shore breathed in and out. The tiny fish tickled at my feet, and I could feel the vitality of an incoming wave. What Eliza was to me, the ocean was that for her. An alluring enchantress, coaxing you in with a soothing voice, who knew you better than you knew yourself.

      Standing knee-deep in the water, I let the ocean breathe its life onto me, and I felt Eliza’s presence once more.