i’ve never met someone like you before
someone i could look at and think to myself how much i wish i could tell you “i love you”
i always thought we would be forever
nothing less, and certainly everything more
(because isn’t this what lovers do?)
saturday
8:32 pm
you come to me and ask if we could talk
and i smile and meet your eyes and ask if everything is okay
and i wait, and wait, and wait—
and you tell me that no, no it’s not
(and for some reason, my heart drops and i feel like i’ve been waiting for this; that maybe the awful and strange feeling in my gut the whole day was because of this, because of you)
…
you tell me that since about a week or two ago, you’ve realized that you don’t love me as much anymore
…
oh
(i love you a lot)
8:43 pm
you tell me how you kept saying to yourself that you’ll not say anything, how you’ll wait
(i’ll always wait for you)
and you tell me how it’s near our anniversary, how you didn’t think it was a good time to talk about this
i tell you it’s okay, that we can talk whenever
(i don’t know if i can hold true to that anymore)
8:47 pm
you tell me that you care about me
and i know what you’re getting at
so i complete your sentence because i know it: but you don’t feel the same as before
you say that the honeymoon phase of love is over
you tell me how you just want someone to be comfortable with alone and talk and love
(you told me you wanted that person to be me)
and i know of no words to tell you beside i’m sorry
you tell me not to apologize
(you’re too good for me, really)
…
(i’m sorry i’m not good for you)
8:57 pm
you tell me you were blinded by love
that you always said you’d love me regardless of my flaws
and i interrupt and ask if that was all a lie
(did you ever really love me truly for who i am? or did your brain fool you into loving me? did your brain even fool me into falling for you if you never even loved me?)
you are quick to reassure me (always quick to reassure me)
that it wasn’t a lie in that moment, but things have changed now
you apologize for being a liar
(i don’t tell you not to apologize)
9:03 pm
you tell me how you’ve been finding it harder and harder to be intimate
and i’m angry and sad and utterly lost and i ask you:
is that why you would move away when i put my head on your shoulder?
is that why you didn’t close the gap when we were sitting together at lunch?
is that why you left me when you knew i hated being all alone?
and you say yes to all of this
but you go on to say that you were thinking
that it didn’t feel right
that it was wrong of you
that it was just you trying to avoid the problem
that it made you feel so guilty
and i whisper, to nothing but the air, soft enough to rustle the whiskers on a cat:
so it wasn’t just me imagining that you didn’t want me around anymore
…
(did you know i’d go to the ends of all the galaxies to be with you?)
9:14 pm
you tell me that since last week, all the “i love you’s” have been lies
i don’t have anything to say to that
(you were my everything and now we’re just nothing)
9:20 pm
you say you’re an awful partner, an awful person, for pretending
and in the past (the past…!) i would immediately say that no, no you could never be an awful person
but i have no words left to tell you
you tell me i don’t have to say anything
(you’re too good to me, even still)
9:23 pm
i’m the one to ask you how you’re feeling first
and you tell me you feel like a villain
how it feels even worse because you were the one who asked me out first, who wanted to be with me so badly, only for you to be the one to break it off
and i laugh to cover up the hurt in my stomach, in my very soul
and then you ask me how i feel, how it was rude of you to not ask me before i asked you
i tell you that it’s a funny thing, this feeling
because it feels like that one night after the day we first kissed
and i think that it’s so ironic because that night i was so happy and so in love
and now it feels the same way except really sad
because i still feel like
“i love you”
between
us
still
exists
…
and you’re deep in thought before you say you were worried about this
how i would still love you even when you didn’t
(i’ll always love you)
…
(i can’t unlove you, even if i know that you already did)
9:31 pm
i have to confirm it, i have to hear it from your mouth or else i’ll never believe it
i tell you to tell me that you’re breaking up with me
you do
and all i can really say is okay
(i’m at a loss for words; there’s nothing else i can say that would make us this situation feel better)
you say you don’t want to hurt me and waste my time
i tell you that not in a million years, nor in any amount of eons, could you ever waste my time
(i don’t tell you how i hurt; i think you already know)
you say you have to be selfish
and i tell you that it’s okay
it’s self preservation
9:38 pm
you say that life goes on, that people change
and i tell you that before all of this i used to think
that we would change together
that we would go through life together
that we would grow up together
that we would become real people together
you say you used to think that too
9:44 pm
i tell you i was making you a gift for our anniversary
365 paper butterflies (that won’t ever fly again)
i tell you all about how i was going to write some cheesy letter to go with them
and i tell you how every time i folded them i would sit and think of you
and how every one of those butterflies is folded with love for you
(is, and never was, because it was real at the time so the love is still there)
and i tell you that i hope you know that even if i find another person, i think i won’t ever do this for them
…
i tell you that i don’t want to look at them because they make me really sad
and you apologize, this time for making my little butterflies into sad things
(but they’re yours; they will always be yours, just like that one piece of me that will always belong to you)
10:06 pm
i tell you that i hope that just because we broke up it doesn’t change anything
i tell you that i still want to be near you and talk to you and hear you talk about your silly little games
i tell you i still want to be friends
i tell you all of this
and i think i’m cruel
(to myself; it’s always to myself)
…
(it may be you and i, but it will never be us together again)
10:14 pm
i ask if we can still text like usual
our good mornings and good nights
our silly, stupid stuff
you say that we can
i ask if you would reply
you say that you would
(could we ever be friends again?)
10:41 pm
i text you
but just because i want to know what you’re going to do with all the letters and little gifts i gave you
you tell me that you’re just going to leave it in your drawer
but that you would throw it away if you really felt like it was useless
(isn’t that funny?)
11:52 pm
i text you again
just to tell you good night
you tell me good night too
i tell you thank you
for the honesty
for everything else
for all the time we spent together
because they were genuinely happy times
you tell me you enjoyed them too
and that those moments were not lies
i tell you that yes, those moments were real
and i guess that’s that.
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