It couldn’t be helped. The ride was long and painful. She wished that the cracks on the roads would simply cease to exist, but that’s not how the world works. So, instead, she silently cursed.
Arctic air flew out from the air conditioner; it smelled particularly musty since she knew that the Sudan was not cleaned since at least a year ago. Her doodle-stained arms trembled ever so slightly as she looked out the dusty window, monologuing in her head. Two assignments to go, one assignment left. Two assignments to go, one assignment left. Two assignments to go one assignment–
So, how is your day?
What? What?
How are you? How is school?
I am, good.
That’s great to hear.
Thanks for asking.
No problem.
She closed her eyes, counting from one to ten and back from ten to one.
Don’t you want to ask me how my day is?
She paused. How is your day, then?
It could’ve been better.
Great. Great.
Work has been hectic. You know, there is a colleague of mine who loves to talk. I entertain her, and sometimes our boss has to step in to stop our conversation.
That’s terrible.
Yeah, but I actually like talking to her. Sometimes she can tell the most uncanny, mind-boggling story, like how her husband saw the Vice President near a grocery store, or one of her daughters booked an airplane ticket overnight to fly to the other side of the globe to see this one boy band.
Wow.
My colleague tries listening to the boy band on Youtube, but she says she couldn’t finish listening to one of their songs. And—
Dad, this isn’t an Uber.
Pardon?
You don’t have to keep talking to me to get a five-star rating. Just, drive.
The air blowing suddenly scratched obnoxiously against her eardrums. She regretted wearing a tank top; all of the confidence she had earlier dispersed as the goosebumps on her arms stood erect and shameful. She pinched her knees a little, but that didn’t stop her legs from shaking.
She looked out the windows. The vibrant street lights blurred into one single line, continuously changing colors like a Christmas tree. It wasn’t even near Christmas, and yet she could still hear the faint jingles outside. The air was turning cold, and the air conditioners weren’t helping.
You don’t have to act like this all the time, you know?
Something in her was triggered. She turned her head toward the driver.
What does that mean?
You’re always acting cold to me, like you don’t care at all.
I’m sorry that I don’t care. Her voice raised. But have you ever thought about whether you care?
You said I don’t care?—
A honk bellowed behind them; multiple honks followed right after. She looked up and was immediately blinded by a blaring green. The car groggily jerked forward.
You say I don’t care? I worked tirelessly for our family to have an actual dinner. I worked days and nights for you to have an education. I worked like a dog for us to even have a family.
She chuckled humorlessly. I find it funny that you would use the word family.
There was a pause. Both of them knew what the next words were gonna be; she could tell that in the way his eyes flickered sourly. And she could tell that in the bitter taste on her tongue.
She was supposed to feel good about the emotion that she had injected in him. Instead, she felt a tightness expanding in her chest like someone had planted an airbag inside. She stopped trying to hold down her legs; they began to shake intensely.
If you cooperated with me, we could have had a better relationship.
You really think that everything would stay the same after you left us?
He didn’t respond; she didn’t think he would.
The blinker went off. She counted the number of ticks, waiting for when her car’s ticks would match up with those of the car in front. The lights were beginning to make her nauseous—and perhaps the traffic and the bumps as well—but she couldn’t stop staring at them.
I’m sorry that it still bothered you, but it couldn’t be helped.
Why? Something stung her eyes. Suddenly all the lines of lights blurred into a puddle.
I tried to find from the bottom of my heart a reason to love your mother, but as much as I know I should love her, I just couldn’t do it.
She stayed silent.
When you grow up, you’ll learn that your love isn’t unlimited. There is so much love you can give, and I simply didn’t have enough to give to your mother.
Was it, she choked, was it fake, then, all this time ? Did you ever really love mom? Have you never had enough love for mom?
I did love your mom once. That is true. It’s complicated, but… how do I say this? I guess my capacity to love shrank as I grew older.
Does that mean you will hate me when you’re older too?
That’s different. You’re my family, my daughter—
I’m not sure what family even means at this point.
He opened his mouth, but no words came out. The air wasn’t the same anymore; every particle around them suddenly heaved against them. They sat still, feeling the coldness wrapping its fingers around their throats and squeezed tightly. All she wanted to do then was bang the glass window open and jump out of the car.
I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
It’s okay.
It wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay, but she would much prefer listening to the rain drops crackling on the windshield than her family crumbling apart. Perhaps everything would be fine if she could chant to herself that it couldn’t be helped;
that she couldn’t be helped.
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